The Better Half

Miles Bletchley's after Spinnet, now. Probably has spells and ... er... love potions Why did we sell him those? That was just stupid... and what not to warp her, that the Death Eaters gave him and all. Since, you know. Bad enough he's a bloody Slytherin (and can't play Quidditch for shite), but he's also got bad ties and a lot of gold to throw around.

Not sure what to do about it, though.

He told me From what I've heard he's living in the school. Which makes him hard to touch.

Ideas?

Man, ever since this marriage decree we've been doing crazy good business on Fantasies and Love Potions! Er... not that we sell the illegal stuff, mind... just the over-the-counter crushes! Though, if you want to go under the table... And of course we make sure to put right on the bottle that love potions, by law, aren't allowed to be administered to others without their knowledge, only taken by consent and blah blah blah yeah, right. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose.

All Hallow's Eve is coming up, soon, as well, which means Fred and I've come out with some gimmicky stuff. Fancy dress spells, mostly. If you want Fluttering Fairy Wings, 4-Day Horns, Twitching Tails, and what all, you all know how to come to! That's not even going into the tricks, which we've got plenty of.

Well, that's all the news I have at the moment. Sorry that I've been so bloody busy with all this.

All right. People! I don't recall who it was, but someone just brought up a bloody good point to me. Something I can't quite get off my mind. So, yeah. Looks like everyone what isn't married yet has got a letter pairing them off, if they're pureblood and blah blah it isn't a joke blah blah blah. Got that, it's locked in. No worries.

Just one thing I got to say, though, and it's very important so please pay attention:

If anyone makes any attempt to marry or bloody impregnate my baby sister, I will be forced to kill you.

I won't be alone on this. I will bring down the whole bloody pack.

So just don't think about it. At all.

Is that clear?

Repeat: Hands off my sister, or the Ministry of Magic is the last thing you'll have to worry about.

Okay. Glad to get that off my chest. Feeling better, now.

Glad we had this little talk, magic journal.

Ha bloody ha, Ron! First I thought Fred did it, but you left too many clues. First off, Bulstrode's your year, not mine. And you're the one what hated her and all. Sure, she's dead ugly, and I bet she's real mean, but I didn't know her. Should've picked Ezra Grudd if you wanted to get to me. You think Bulstrode's bad? Ezra had spots on her spots, and that lazy eye. Ugh. See, that? I just made myself sick.

That's how you pull one over on someone. You gotta pay attention. Cater it, you know? That's the trouble with you, baby brother. You think everyone's worst nightmares are the same as yours.

Now, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate a good try! Fred and I applaud your efforts!


How the hell did you get hold of Ministry stationery, anyway? It looks right official and everything! Are you in touch with Percy? I don't mind if you can't tell me, just want to know. If you are, tell him he's a git for me.



EDIT:

Oh.

Oh...


Oh, hell.


It could still be a joke, right? Right?